All of Her Things

This last year (and change) has been nuts for so many reasons and I’ve had quite a bit of time to reflect on it, so here’s what I’ve learned: 

It’s possible to need to grieve for relationships/friendships that have ended. I’ve taken the time to do so, and I think I’m better for it.

I’ve had to take time to think about what I truly like without anyone else’s influence. This may seem odd, but there was a point when it was so hard for me to listen to music. I needed to remove everything that was a reminder of a different life. It took some time, but I started listening to the music I loved in like high school… a lot of throwback Bloc Party. Eventually, I took small steps back into the music I was afraid to listen to.  It’s so weird when your likes and dislikes are the same as someone who is no longer in your life. I had to question what was actually mine. I was so afraid to listen to my favorite band for like 9 months because I didn’t know how I’d feel, but good news, I fell back in love with them, and it had nothing to do with anyone else.

I started being comfortable with who I’m attracted to. Honestly, I never considered myself like “straight”. I do find people attractive regardless of their gender identity though, so there’s that, and I’ve always been made to feel weird about it. I’m not sure I want to be labeled as anything though. My cousin and I recently joked about labels and I said, “I’m just out here”. There’s nothing to define. I like what I like.

Dating has been interesting for the most part, and I admit, I don’t find dating at 30 to be fun. I think if you’re reading this and in a good relationship that needs a little work, do the work and don’t ruin what you have. I’ve learned a lot about what I will and won’t compromise on in a partner. It takes me a little time to open up simply because I’m trying to read the other person, understand what they want, and who they are, but stay firm about what I’m looking for. Finding the right person takes time and small heartbreaks are inevitable but…

I realized I’m not the kind of person who needs closure or needs to be friends with anyone I’ve had feelings for. I think if we’re not on the same page anymore, there’s no need to complicate our feelings when ending a relationship. There’s a point where I’m not even sure I need an apology if I’ve been hurt. I will always wish people well, and if I see you’re doing well, that’s great. I move on pretty fast. Months ago, I had someone tell me there’s no way I could be ready for a relationship after being with someone for so long and being single for less than a year at the time, but that’s how I am. Once it’s over and I come to terms with it, healing comes pretty fast for me. I have so much love to give, and I want someone who deserves my love to have it. Why can’t I decide when it’s time to move on?

I’m actually pretty content. I started seeing my therapist in May 2018 and I was always tired and drained; just going through depression without saying “I’m depressed”. She always asks if I’m at least content, and at the time, I could never say I was. You know what’s weird? I never thought being alone would allow me to be content. I found that for so many years, I had the wrong people in my circle, and the energy they gave weighed heavily on me. This deeply affected my mental and physical health. There was a solid 2 years I could not sing. I’m not kidding. My voice was trash. I lost all creativity. I’ve been slowly trying to get back to being the singer I felt I used to be before my depression hit. 

I’ve learned to lean on my friends. I kept a lot to myself when something was wrong. I’ve been taught to be quiet about issues I’ve had, and I thought a therapist was good enough because at least she doesn’t know anyone I talk about personally. Lately, I find myself reaching out to friends for advice and even coming clean about my circumstances, leaving this feeling that they finally understand who I am. I didn’t realize all I needed to do was let them in. However, I’ve also been very aware of who wants to be around me and why. I’ve had people reach out to me because I think they realize I’ve been content, but I know they have the type of energy that might be negative for my wellbeing. I have so many friends who give me the positive energy I need, and I love being around those people. This is what sustains me. 

I consider myself an empath. I sense your energy, I absorb it, and it affects my own emotions. You either know what I mean or you don’t.

Self-care is so important. Some of you may think I’m joking or maybe think it’s crazy, but I absolutely LOVE spending ALL OF SUNDAY taking care of my hair and skin. All-day… ALL FCUKING DAY. I need the time to recenter. I also enjoy reading a good book (rereading Harry Potter), listening to music, learning a new song, painting my nails, and of course, exercise.

I work out 5-7 days a week. It’s a lot. Probably too much. I don’t need motivation. I love it, and it makes me feel good. However, I’ve been trying to cut back a bit. When I first started quarantining, I needed it to pass the time, so I worked out every single day. Before this pandemic, I worked out almost every day for about 2 hours and then went to my job as a kickboxing instructor and worked out there. I needed to fatigue my body just so I could stop overthinking and sleep. I’m not sure how healthy that is. My reasons for doing so much has less to do with being healthy and more about surviving. As I said, I’m trying to cut back, but that’s still something I need to work on. I need to find more happiness outside this “comfort zone” I’ve created by working out. Does that even make sense?

I thought I was unattractive for a bit…. Me. 

I’m not an inspiration. I’ve been trying my best to do things that make me happy. I get lonely, sad, anxious, and my self-esteem takes a hit quite a bit. My God, I have struggled a lot this year, and in these pandemic months, I’ve actually been “ok”. A lot of people only see what I decide to put on Instagram, but we all need to remind ourselves that Instagram is fake. Everything I post is carefully selected to make you believe what I want you to believe. 

I’m doing better than people expect, but I can’t handle everything, I do believe I’m stronger than I ever imagined. I feel like I went through such a fast and, I hate to say, traumatic change in my life. I remember feeling so weak due to anxiety and depression, and I couldn’t eat much, but I pushed through that period. I cried, and then I started to live again. I’ve gone through some lonely days and still do, but I know physically, mentally, and emotionally, I can work through almost anything that gets thrown my way