All of Her Things

Here I go, writing another extremely personal blog post, but I assume this is what I’ll be doing every few months. 

I usually try to avoid conversations about my body. I feel like I get a lot of questions that I’m not comfortable enough to answer, or maybe I haven’t come to terms with. Either way, I try my best to treat my body well. 

I’ve always cared about what my body looks like. I will admit that I want it to look a certain way, and I don’t think that’s a problem. I exercise a reasonable amount, try to eat well, and I consider myself to have great intuition. Along with my empathy, I consider my intuition to be one of my superpowers. It’s helpful in my everyday life, but it makes me very aware of my body’s wants and needs and when I need it. I try my best to follow my intuition, but I’m not perfect, and I think I get compliments about being “healthy” more often than I should. 

Changes.

I remember eating terribly in college. I gained my “freshman 15” my senior year, and once I finished school, I decided to start working out and eating better. I don’t remember pushing myself too hard; I just figured it was time for a change. 

I’m different now. I never struggled with anxiety the way that I do now.

I’ve had issues with pushing my body too hard in recent years, which was definitely caused by depression. Here’s a story I’m not supposed to share, but whatever, I’m oversharing anyway…

I had a partner who I felt didn’t find me attractive a few years ago. ME! (I’m laughing as I type because I find myself to be very attractive now). I asked them what I needed to do to keep them interested, and they said I should show off my body more. I guess my regular clothes on Instagram made me look unattractive. I didn’t use social media to share pictures of myself the way I do now. I used it to post photos of me with my then-partner, my friends, my family, food, but apparently, me being myself wasn’t good enough. This was when I started to work out longer and harder because I felt like I needed to show everyone that I was the perfect girlfriend, someone that they wouldn’t mind showing off. 

This still sticks with me; this idea that I need to look perfect more than just feeling good about myself and loving myself the way I am. Funny enough, now that we aren’t together, and I feel pretty good about myself, my Instagram is all ME ME ME ME ME ME. 

I’m not perfect. 

As I stated, I do consider myself very intuitive, and I do eat what I crave, but I’m very routine, and there are times I have anxiety about what goes in my mouth or feeling too full. I’m afraid of how certain foods will make me feel. I’m not sure if I’m describing this well, and some may not even see this as a problem, but having anxiety about food is not really how I want to live my life. I have to constantly remind myself, “it’s ok to eat this, to enjoy this, and if you don’t feel well after, then you know.” This is something I noticed after moving home and was definitely exacerbated by the pandemic. It also doesn’t help when my parents bring attention to how much I eat. All of this is something I’ve discussed with my therapist. 

I think working in fitness and looking in shape made people think I was healthy. As a kickboxing instructor, we constantly gave restrictive dieting tips, making it seem as if our workout was the ONLY workout you needed to get in shape. It was hard to give people nutrition advice while also letting them know they should have fun and love themselves, especially when I was struggling with it.

Our goals shouldn’t be destructive to our health and wellbeing just to fit in a dress.

It’s ok.

I am not perfect, and reflecting on my fitness history reminds me of that. All of this is hard to admit, but all I can do is recognize the problem and try my best to fix it. I don’t make New Year resolutions, but I see nothing wrong with trying to improve my mindset this year. I’m still very routine because of the pandemic, but I’m trying my best to get excited about food again and not restricting myself due to fear. I don’t eat dairy, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the foods I love.

I’m also trying my best to limit my intense workouts to twice a week and opting for more low-impact exercises like barre and pilates, more walking, and an exhilarating run once or twice a week. I even have a friend who got me into yoga. I’m looking forward to more heavy lifts once I feel comfortable going back to the gym. I’m pushing for two rest days per week right now, and it’s hard because I’m not particularly busy at the moment with this pandemic. I’m getting too old to treat my body the way I have been over the last few years.

Exercise is fun to me, but I realize I don’t need to kill myself to get something out of it.

Beauty.

The way my body looks affects the way I see myself as a whole. I’ve said that I’m quite happy with the way I look now, and it has nothing to do with how thin I am but how powerful I look and feel. Growing up, I was stick-thin, and I didn’t feel very feminine. All of the weight that I gained and lost throughout my life happened gradually. But in 2019, I lost a lot of weight in under two months because of depression, and I felt so weak and ugly. I’ve gained a healthy amount back, and now I feel, dare I say, pretty? Maybe even sexy? And before that depression, I don’t think I looked at myself as pretty or sexy or beautiful; there was always something wrong with the way I looked. 

I feel free.

I’m trying my best to have a healthier mindset about my body, and I love the way I look at the moment. I don’t care about anyone’s opinion, but I won’t lie, I like to be appreciated, I like compliments. So yeah, I’ll continue to post pictures of me in my bathing suit when I feel comfortable doing it. I’m going to continue to do fun photoshoots with my friends just because I like having pictures of myself. I’m trying not to hesitate and trying not to nitpick.

I am perfectly imperfect.

I love the way I look knowing I’ve gone through so many changes, have struggled emotionally, mentally, and physically, and am consistently overcoming all of these things. I am strong. Why, at this point in my life, should I second guess myself?

…just post the fcuking picture, Dani.