All of Her Things

I haven’t written anything since 2025, so happy new year?

And what a great way to start this new year of writing with a diary entry.

I’ve been in a rut lately. Maybe it’s depression creeping in. I just don’t know what to do.

The start of 2026 was actually pretty solid for me. I set up routines that sped up January. I’d work out maybe 5 days a week, including strength training, ballet, climbing, and walking (depending on how much snow was on the ground). I had German tutoring twice a week and a speaking class every Friday. I went to voice lessons every week. I spoke to my therapist every week. Lots of reading. It was solid. I need routine in the deep winter months.

Then my husband and I went on the most amazing trip to Thailand, the longest vacation I’ve ever taken; 18 days of exploring, training Muay Thai, and some serious relaxation. It was nice to break those routines for a couple of weeks, and Seb has been working so hard. He deserved this break (even if he had to work a few days on vacation). It was amazing to spend so much time together; we had so much time to bond, be silly, and have deep conversations. On one of the last days, we sat outside our hotel room, looking out at these stunning views, and we started to discuss what was next. He had a full list of things to work on for his business, and I felt lost.

I think I may have been a bit jealous. And I started to think this was a sign that maybe I was ready to work again, and I should start looking at things that match my skill set or that might seem interesting. But I was also aware that it’s not easy to find work in Germany without knowing the language well. I’m still struggling to speak and get confused when people talk to me. I know it’s not impossible to find work, though. I am still an optimist.

I didn’t hop off the plane in Germany and run to my computer. No, I decided to take things slowly, with the jet lag making it hard to think clearly. However, with the jet lag came an overwhelming thought that we should have stayed in Thailand longer. I was sad because Seb and I had so much uninterrupted time together, and I wanted another week or two. It snowed when we got back. I started to feel lonely. I lost interest in everything; I didn’t even write in my journal. Suddenly, I was aware of the world’s problems again. I couldn’t focus, and it was hard to get off the couch or stop looking at my phone. I then developed a toothache that got worse over the days, making it uncomfortable to talk and painful whenever I ate or drank anything. The physical pain made my mental health worse. I felt useless. I did manage to get to the dentist and relieve some of the physical pain, but I still felt the emptiness.

Then one day, I tried. I tried to do what I thought I’d do those last few days of vacation. I tried not to be useless. I took a peek at the job market, and what I saw was nothing for me. Nothing I wanted to do, nothing that would accept me even if it was in English, nothing that felt like a good fit. There were beefy job descriptions that both matched and didn’t match my past experiences. I felt like I offered so much and so little at once. I was actually confused because I didn’t know what I was even looking for anymore. How does someone with a master’s degree feel like there’s no job for them? How does someone with media, client relations, writing, editing, event, and project management experience, heck, even sales associate experience, feel like there’s no job for them? I have every hobby under the sun, but I can hardly translate those into work, and in some cases, I don’t want to. I was completely shattered.

I cried in my husband’s arms, claiming that I’m a “master of none”.

I was thinking of the quote, “Jack of all trades is a master of none.”

I feel like I do so much, but I can’t do anything at all. I’m not good at anything. I can’t call myself an expert. There are things I could do that would bring literally no joy into my life. I always felt like work didn’t have to bring happiness; I just needed to be content. But work takes up most of our time. It was hard to find the glimmers in my workday when I was an Account Executive (client relations) in MedComms.

But here’s my optimism. It turns out, the “master of none” quote above isn’t correct. The actual quote gives me a little hope:

“Jack of all trades, master of none, but oftentimes better than master of one.“

It doesn’t mean I’m not good at anything. To me, this offers some hope that it’s okay to enjoy many different things, and maybe my work doesn’t need to be specialized. I want to be okay with having many interests and experiences. One day, I’m passionate about singing and music; another day, all I want to do is write; and another day, I want to create something for social media. I want to be okay not having a “focus”. I want to be okay with doing everything, hoping that something will come out of one or all of those things.

I know I’m not going to figure my life out by tomorrow, and I have to sit in that insecurity. Writing this is helping, though, because the first step is to be honest with myself. The issue is that I’ve been stuck on what my life should look like as a 36-year-old, rather than what it could look like or what I want it to look like. I have the ability to shape my own world; I just have to get over the fear of judgment.

With the start of this new month, I’d like to be kinder to myself and feel free to do all the things I enjoy without worry. I need to be okay with taking my time and not comparing myself to anyone else. I don’t want to be jealous of other people, not even my husband. Instead of overanalyzing what “master of none” means, maybe it’s okay to embrace the “jack of all trades” title, because it’s not that I’m not good at anything; I just have too many interests to choose just one.

.always.

Dani