All of Her Things

I don’t know how my mother did it. For over 30 years, she commuted 1.5-2 hours to New York, worked 8 hours, and then traveled 1.5-2 hours back to our Central NJ home. My mother would do this Monday-Friday and still manage to cook dinner for the family and take me to voice lessons and dance class multiple times a week. My mother is retired now, but you can tell all of this has taken a toll on her mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

For the last few years, I’ve struggled in my personal and professional life. When I moved to Philadelphia in November 2021, I had just gotten out of a relationship, and I decided to see this move out of my parents’ home ” post-COVID” as an opportunity to start over. I said “yes” to everything, and I’m so happy I did because I was meeting so many people.

I was doing really well in my new city. I was running, I was climbing, I was dating, I made so many new connections and friends, but then my mother got sick. I originally planned to visit my parents every other week so I could keep up with my social life and still see them consistently, but when she got sick, I was visiting every weekend. I tried my best to keep up with my new life, but it got harder and harder for me. I also received a lot of family pressure to move back to my parents’ house to care for my mother. I stopped taking calls from my family members for this reason. I know this has been a lot on my father for the last few years, but my parents were able to start a family (my brother and me). My brother started his own family, but it was on me to completely stop my life. The pressure felt unfair. When would it be my turn to find myself and maybe get married and have a kid of my own? I always wanted to do what I could, but I also settled on the fact that I was a single 30-something who had never lived on her own. I needed this. I was slightly selfish, and I don’t regret it.

Then, there was the lowest part of my day: work. I strongly disliked my field, but my best friend helped me get this job. At first, I was able to balance my personal and professional life, but then I was promoted, my manager moved to a different company, and my new manager was non-existent. I knew it was time to move on. I got a new job at a similar company with much higher pay and a better title, and I loved my new manager. I was pretty excited to work there, thinking, “ok, I may not enjoy this field, but I can enjoy the people”. I was having a much better experience at first. I thought my new manager was very helpful and was there when I needed them.  After a couple of months, I realized my new manager was a micro-manager, and everything I did was suddenly wrong. We were constantly butting heads. Based on my review, I started to think my manager just didn’t like me. My review seemed like a way for them to attack me personally instead of helping me grow. I was constantly reminded that I was not living up to the standard of my title; however, they eventually learned I work better without them hovering. I was put on projects that gave me more autonomy, but I hated everything I did. Work was bleeding into my personal life, and my mental health was falling apart. I started working late all the time. I never knew when I was going to sign off, so I slowed down some of my after-work joys. I would cry between calls, I’d forget to eat, and I’d cancel plans after work or on weekends because I needed to shut my brain off. When I didn’t cancel plans, I wasn’t fully there. I couldn’t shake off work. My favorite things felt like chores. I stopped reading for fun. I didn’t have the time to be involved in music or theatre now that things were picking back up in that community. My body hurt all the time, and climbing became something that was only meant to release stress.  It wasn’t fun, and I wasn’t getting any better or stronger. When I got engaged, I felt like I wasn’t fully there. I couldn’t fully enjoy that weekend because I knew what was coming on Monday.

What should have been the final straw was a day in November. The day before a race, I got an email that stated that the project I was supporting was incorrect and that I’d need to do my piece over again. I had no support in my work; I was left to figure things out over and over again, and I could not handle this. The email came in at 3:30 in the afternoon on a Friday. I completely broke down. My brain crashed, my body crashed, and my then fiancé found me on the couch, completely shattered. I took the rest of the day off and ran my race the next day poorly.

I think about that day as the day I should have quit, but I didn’t. I decided April would be it after my wedding(s), but someone who I leaned on for support at work was let go, and another was being moved to another team. I was going to be working closely with my manager again. We actually started having a better relationship once we were split up, but I knew working closely with them again would not be good. I knew the work that was coming, and I knew how I would be treated.

I kept thinking about this one comment I was getting from people after getting engaged: “Enjoy every minute of your engagement and wedding planning.” I wasn’t enjoying it. Outside of my relationship, I hated how everything was going, but I even noticed a change in myself compared to when my husband and I met. I was burnt out.

One evening in January, I was asked to think about what projects I wanted to lead in the new year. I signed off of work realizing I did not want to lead any of them. I woke up the next day so early. My mind was running; my heart was racing. I knew I needed to quit. It had to be that day. I couldn’t hold out until April. So I gave my notice that day, and suddenly, all this weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had no job prospects and, honestly, not that much saved, but I had to remove this sick feeling. Every day, I was being triggered in some way. Every day, I needed to find ways to self-soothe. Every day, I was unhappy.

I think about my mother now and the amount of trauma she probably had after 30 years of working and commuting and taking care of her family, and I’m not surprised she broke. I’m not going to let that happen to me. I want to live my life fully whether I’m working full-time, part-time, or not at all. I don’t want the stressors of life to be the reason I’m not myself.

What’s Next?

I’ve taken some time off these last few months. I got married, and I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute of it. I’m glad I made the decision to leave my job before my wedding. I’m not sure how I would have gotten anything done had I stayed, especially since we got married within 4 months of our engagement.

There are a few things I want to get back to. Consistent exercise, for example. I feel as though through those very stressful last few months of my job, my body was not mine. The way I looked and felt was off. I wish I had a better way to describe it, but I felt like I was in someone else’s body. It was a body that felt alien. I was exercising, but everything I did felt like a chore. I was sore all the time. I was significantly slower when I ran. Climbing wasn’t fun; it was just a way to relieve my stress. I chose to stay in bed more in the mornings, not to prioritize sleep, but I just didn’t want to get up. It just didn’t feel like me. I’m working on all of this. I cut back on my running, and since I have the time, I take long walks to get outside. I’ve incorporated running little by little, but I’m taking my time. I’ve considered skipping races this year, but I may want to do a 5k, or maybe by fall, I’ll feel well enough to train for something longer. I’ve changed my focus to strength training in hopes of being stronger and eventually racing again. Climbing is a little more mental work. I think I need to start over, focus on the basics, be with a supportive community, and find the fun again. I was definitely “grade-chasing” before and pushing myself to prove something to people who don’t even care about me anyway. I love the sport; it was my focus for over a year, but my mentality about it has to change, especially since it’s not the only thing that makes me happy.

Something I’ve totally lost over the last few years is my creativity. I haven’t been singing, and I haven’t tried. I used to write lyrics and poetry, and I’ve been in a rut for a while. I think I’ve had so many discouraging experiences in the music and theatre community that some of that joy was lost, and I need to find it again. I also used to write funny stories and scripts; I journaled more and blogged more. I took pictures and videos more, I even had a podcast, and was less afraid to share myself. Something about social media kind of scares me now. Any time I post ANYTHING, I question if anyone will like what I did.

It’s important to be able to name the things I need back in my life or need to work on. In a sense, this blog post is to hold myself accountable. I just want to have fun with the things I know I already enjoy and find joy in the mundane things.  I want to allow myself to be shameless. I want to get back to sharing for the fun of it; I mean, my life is so different now, and I think it’s worth sharing. I want to keep myself healthy and rested. I don’t want to explain my value or worth to another person. I don’t want to be consistently drained. I want to show up as myself every day.

I’m slowly getting into a “normal” routine again after weddings and sickness. I’ll have to get used to constant time zone changes, but I have a lot to look forward to. I’m doing some writing, reading, and exercising. I’m starting to feel like myself again and taking calls about job opportunities, but I’m not jumping into anything too quickly, and I think that’s okay. I’m taking my time to rest and heal. There are many days I’m not productive at all. Right now, this is working for me, and I think that’s okay.

.always.

Dani