All of Her Things

I’ve come across a lot of discourse about friendships and how it seems like Millennials and Gen Z have become “flakey.” I thought it was just me feeling this way, but apparently, it’s a real issue now. On the other hand, I’ve heard conversations about how hard it is to make friends as adults, and I’ve taken part in discussions about making friends as an immigrant.

I am an introvert. I’m not someone who needs people around all the time, but I love a good one-on-one. If I’m invited to a party, I usually end up going and being awkward. If I don’t want to attend something, I’m usually pretty honest about that and may suggest something else. I love planning activities with friends, though, and I really love hosting them even though I’m introverted. It helps that my husband is an extrovert and can talk to anyone.

I think my hosting itch started because my parents never really liked people coming over to our house besides family. Thanksgiving has always been big, though, and my parents host little BBQs for the family. Because my parents didn’t like guests and my dad is a Jehovah’s Witness, I had my first birthday party when I turned 12. Although my dad refused to participate, my mom allowed me to have a few girls from my class come over. This was the beginning of me making close friends. It’s true, I don’t think I had many until around that age, unlike my husband, who’s known his best friend since, like, kindergarten. There were so many boys living in my neighborhood, so my brother had a lot of friends outside of school. But I did have one friend who lived across the street from me, a boy a little younger than me. There were also kids around me every day at school, and I’d visit my cousins every weekend, so I wasn’t lonely. By middle school, I had made a lot of friends. Every weekend, I’d hang out at the mall, have a birthday party or bat mitzvah to attend, or just be at someone’s house hanging out.

The Issue

Life was easy then. Proximity made it easy for us to be around friends every day. It was easy to WANT to go over a friend’s house for their birthday or to hang out because we saw each other at school. My parents had to drive me, and eventually, I’d drive myself. However, in high school, I was friends with a group of people who went to a different high school from me, and I managed to hang out with them every weekend. They were important to me, but a lot has changed since then. We went to different colleges, made new friends, moved, got new jobs, got married, and had children. Life happened. Every change in my life has led me to new people and activities I prioritize. I would think everyone has a similar story.

I believe that with our new priorities as adults, we forgot how to be friends. We don’t want to commit to things just in case a better option comes along, or cancel at the last minute without a reason. Sometimes we don’t even try to make up for the cancellation. We come late to events and wonder why we can’t fit into conversations. We’ve also become a society completely attached to our phones, but we’ve made it okay to ignore calls and texts from our friends and family. I literally know people who, when you send them a message, take more than 24 hours to respond or don’t respond at all, but when they’re with me, it seems like they’re very responsive to texts. I’m talking about patterns, not the occasional “Sorry, I forgot to respond.”

In the midst of all this, we say we want more friends, or we wish we had community.

Thoughts

I think that COVID really did a number on us. We were forced to stay inside for a long period, and maybe we forgot how to be good friends. There’s also age. I’m in my mid-late 30s, and most of my friends are married with children, and they’re terrible at managing time with other people. Sorry, but it’s true. Finally, I think the idea of “out of sight, out of mind” rings true when proximity was what kept us so close.

I’ve seen this quote on social media a number of times:

“Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.”

Almost two years ago, my husband and I moved into our home near Munich. He called up his friends and told them we planned to move. Most of them didn’t hesitate to offer to help in some way. That day was insane. We had maybe 6-10 friends and family members helping us load up the truck in Bayreuth, and another 6-10 helping us set up in our home. One of Seb’s friends is planning a move later this year, and we already expect to block off that weekend.

After our move, I remember thinking, “Wow, my friends would never”. I didn’t even really ask for anyone’s help anytime I’ve moved; I would just drop $2k on movers, so it wouldn’t inconvenience anyone. There was one time, however, when I was moving to Philly, an unexpected friend offered to help with my move, and I will never forget it.

Seb and I fly quite a bit as well, and there have been times when family, friends, and neighbors have offered rides. In the US, I’m used to calling up an Uber unless my dad isn’t busy, but I’d never ask a friend, nor have they offered. I’ve never offered either.

A few months ago, our neighbors came by with their calendar so we could tell them when we’d be away so they could watch my cat. I feel lucky to have them as neighbors, honestly.

With all of those examples, I’ve realized our culture in the US is very individualistic compared to Germany. We find it hard to ask and offer help, and we’d rather pay than inconvenience anyone, but here’s the thing: friendship and community are inconvenient.

I know it sucks. We’re not in grade school and college, where we could see our friends every single day. Everyone has responsibilities like work and family. We have so many priorities, and we don’t consider cultivating friendships as one of them.

Here are a few things I’ve learned about making friends and cultivating those friendships.

Evaluate.

Evaluate what a friendship is to you. What qualities make a good friend? Do you hold those same qualities? Consider which friendships should be a priority.

A friendship should be reciprocal. I would hope the effort I put into spending time with you would be almost equal. There are a couple of people I would always reach out to hang out with, but my efforts weren’t being reciprocated. I decided to stop reaching out to them and put more effort into people I felt wanted a friendship with me.

Get Uncomfortable and Be Consistent.

As an American living in Germany who doesn’t know the language very well, I have to do this, or I won’t leave the house. For example, I go to kickboxing and ballet classes in German EVERY WEEK. I have to pay close attention to understand what’s going on, but many times, people are kind enough to translate for me. Over time, I’ve become friendly with people in those classes, and I’d call one or two of them friends. I say all this to say that if you’re not putting yourself out there, you won’t even meet anyone.

Put it in your Calendar.

After high school and college, friendship is no longer convenient. People move, have work, and have families. As we get older, it’s increasingly hard to make plans, and everyone understands, BUT when you do make plans, stick to them. I know we all probably want the convenience we once had in grade school and college, but unless your friend lives within walking distance, you probably need to plan your hangouts. It sucks, but keeping a calendar will actually help keep the friendship a priority. My husband and I share a calendar, so there is never confusion about availability.

Communicate.

Everyone in your life deserves respect and communication. Don’t take a week to respond to a simple text. That’s not a boundary; it’s not cute; it’s just rude. If I’m busy, I prefer to acknowledge a message really quick instead of leaving it hanging. A simple “Let me get back to you” is better than nothing at all.

Inconvenience Yourself.

Offer your help and support to your friends and community whenever you can. Visit your friend who lives in another town, another state, another country. Talking on the phone or texting will only do so much for friendships.

Proximity was the easy way to develop friendships when we were young, but now, as adults, we maintain them by prioritizing our friendships the same way we prioritize our romantic relationships. It’s not easy.

I’ve managed to maintain quite a few friendships over the last 25ish years, and honestly, it’s only become more challenging since I moved to Germany. When I visit the US, I have to schedule time with my friends, who are busy with work and growing families, during the limited time I’m around. In Germany, I’m working on making new friends and trying to be consistent with them, saying yes to invitations, knowing I’ll be happier if I make the effort rather than staying in the comfort of my home. For the first time in my adult life, I’m actually friendly with my neighbors; we invite each other over for “Kaffee und Kuchen” or BBQ every couple of months, and it’s just nice. I’ve enjoyed my time here so far, getting to know people and hosting new friends, and I look forward to the future (especially as I learn German) with the community I’m building.

At the end of the day, friendships are inconvenient, but we gotta suck it up.

.always.

Dani