All of Her Things

I don’t expect this review to be too long, but it’ll be too long for a “quick review”. I picked up Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage by Belle Burden after watching a review from Chelsea Fagan of The Financial Diet on YouTube. I don’t typically read non-fiction because I don’t usually find that genre to be entertaining, but I was intrigued by the synopsis: “rich people mess”.

Summary

Some spoilers, but all this happens within like the first 10-15 pages, so I don’t think it counts.

Belle is a wife and mother of three in a seemingly secure relationship with her hedge fund CEO husband, “James”. During the 2020 COVID pandemic, the family leaves New York City to quarantine at their vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard. Not long into their quarantine, Belle learns that her husband has been having an affair, and he chooses to leave the family the next day. He requests a divorce and tells her he does not want custody of the children. Literally overnight, he becomes someone she can no longer recognize.

Yikes.

Throughout the story, Burden revisits their meeting and marriage and details her family history. She examines any possibility that would have led him to leave her so abruptly. She shares how this event affected her emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. She also recounts the grave mistakes she made that could have led to absolute financial ruin, starting with amending their prenup (under pressure from “James”) against her lawyer’s wishes.

Things that made me mad

• One of the emotions that is consistently discussed throughout her story is the shame that she’s made to feel about her husband’s affair, as if she were the one who decided to leave the family. She is excluded from invitations and isolated by the married couples she’d been friends with. Many women are kind to her, whether married or single, but she mentions only 2-3 instances in which men speak any kind words to her.
• She makes him a sandwich. (read the book)
• A friend tells her that a man at dinner said that “James” leaving Belle could be good for him, that maybe he’d found the love of his life, as if 21-years of marriage means nothing? What about her love story?
• “James” decides to leave his children, and people in their circle brush it off. Because her kids are preteens and teenagers, apparently, they no longer need a father. Women are even suggesting that men are incapable of being decent parents.
• Burden writes an essay for the “Modern Love” column of the New York Times about “James” leaving, titled “Was I Married to a Stranger?” in 2023. After it’s published, many are proud of her for lending her voice to the subject, others see it as “airing out her dirty laundry”. Again, putting the shame back on her instead of the person who had an affair and abandoned the family.

Thoughts

Even through all of the shame and awareness that “James” had abandoned her, not the other way around, I genuinely felt like she was gaslighting herself throughout the whole book, trying to find points where it was her fault. Did he leave because she was older? Did he leave because she no longer worked full-time? (BTW, he suggested that she should stay home with the children). Did he leave because they were having sex less frequently? Whatever his reasoning, she was not to blame. And I understand this deeply as someone who has been in a situation where an ex left in a similar way. You don’t get an answer to the “why?, unfortunately. Based on what she wrote about their ending and even my personal experience, I think he might have felt deep shame for what he did, but that’s another conversation.

Burden mentions that she noticed when people moved away from her during her most devastating period, but also those who moved toward her. This resonated with me. Sometimes people just don’t know how to react when others are suffering. I’d like to think that I’m someone who moves toward those who need me, but I’ve learned that there are people who only want the happy parts of you and don’t want to deal with the sad parts.

This book is at first the crash, then the love story of someone who made foolish financial decisions to prove her love, and then her “fall from grace”. I do appreciate that she recognizes her privilege in all of this; she was not left with nothing, however, it is unfortunate all this happened during COVID, probably the loneliest time in recorded history. It brought me back to how I was feeling during that period, and I needed my friends. Losing people she thought were friends, and having to stay away from family, had to be devastating. She does write about her strength near the end of the book, and that she hopes her children see her as a good example if they are ever in a similar situation.

I could say all women should read this, but I do think men should read it as well. It was beautifully written, heartfelt, and engaging. Ultimately, a great read.

.always.

Dani